So in part 1 of the 3 biggest mistakes I had made in my coaching career I touched on falling in love with one philosophy and only using that regardless of the client, having no regression or progression in place for clients and over complicating nutrition.
As I was writing this, it became a bit of a saga, so I thought the best plan of action was to write in a little more depth about each mistake I have made and then what I have learned/ changed since. I am not trying to self deprecate too much, but I have to say I do enjoy reminiscing about these experiences as I write them. I think they serve as valuable lessons for growth and reflecting on them is a positive exercise.
Today I want to touch on my next big mistake and what I have learned from it.
Losing Patience
The Good Old Rolling Of The Eyes Trick...
When I was younger I was hot tempered, impatient and extremely direct. I was the guy that called a spade a space. This was a good trait for certain situations, but in the realm of coaching it did nothing more than put a big barrier up between my client and myself if we did not agree on something.
Some clients would tell me about what problems they were having, usually with food.
Client "I have these really big cravings and can't help myself in the evening.
Me " Do you eat breakfast?"
Client "I am not really a breakfast person, but I am quite healthy. I have a croissant sometimes"
Me "Do you know what a negative effect that has on your blood sugar levels?
Client "No? But What does that have to do with my evening cravings?
Me (rolling my eyes) " Well science has shown that people who skip breakfast have more unstable blood sugar, make poorer choices throughout the day and binge eat on crap foods more frequently."
Client "Oh dear, well what do you suggest?"
Me " So Steak and nuts is the best breakfast because of ..."
Client "Steak?! And Nuts? Are you serious? I don't like meat..."
Me "Listen that's the optimal choice and will get you the leanest the fastest. I have told you why its important, so when can you start this style of breakfast?"
Client "uuuummm, I don't know.... tomorrow?"
As you can guess, this went nowhere and my poor client didn't mention breakfast again to me. Anytime I asked... "oh its fine" was my clients response. I had become impatient, not met my client where they were and just did an "info dump" on them. They probably felt more lost than before and had a judgmental coach making them feel worse.
What Changed
The skill that was missing here was asking open questions, listening actively and developing a strategy collaboratively that met my client where they were in their life right now. The real art comes with asking questions in such a way that actually have clients come up with their own solutions. The aim is for my client to be a little bit better and having a scaling system for nutrition. Much like the one in this great Precision Nutrition article.
What Do You Mean You Can't Do That?!
Another example of me losing patience was when a client couldn't do a basic exercise I had given them. I remember trying to teach a squat. This particular client didn't have the mechanics or focus to do it properly. I thought to myself... "Are you f***ing serious, how can they not do this, it is so simple."
I was missing the point entirely and due to my stubborn nature/ persistence I wanted to make it work. Had I not been so in love with a particular philosophy at that time I would have simply used another piece of kit and regressed the exercise. I was more concerned with the fact I looked like a bad coach and was determined to prove otherwise.
I got more and more flustered, irritable and despondent with the client as they failed with every attempt and none of my coaching cues were wokring. Not a great way to improve their experience. Eventually I gave up and moved onto another exercise.
What Changed
The reality is that I was not open minded enough to think outside of the box. Thankfully today, I can solve these challenges much faster without the pouting and sulking. This is where having a good progression and regression system really helps.
The "Are You F***ing Kidding Me?!" Diet
My final example of me losing patience was when I had clients tell me they were going to do a type of diet. These were usually inspired by something on TV, a celebrity or a social media star.
Client "Hi Pat, I am totally going to kill it with my nutrition. I saw the (insert your own FAD diet here) and (insert your social media/ celebrity here) is so right about what is healthy. So from tomorrow I am (insert your own unreasonably strict diet/ lifestyle regime here).
Me (In my head) "You are a complete idiot... how on earth have you become so successful when you follow advice from some of the least credible people in the world... what a muppet...."
Me (Out loud) " What are you doing that for?"
Client "Well I have tried other diets and your plan wasn't really working. This really inspired me."
Me "My plan didn't work because you didn't do it. You managed it for like 3 days and then fell off the wagon. I told you it's all about consistency and hard work. The diet would work if you actually bloody did it! Why don't you listen to me?
Client "Pat it was boring wasn't working or me. Social Media Star X has had so many amazing results. You can tell they are a real expert, look how many magazines they have been in and the followers they have..."
Me (I am dying inside) " Listen, you didn't follow the plan to the letter, of course your results were minimal. You are basing your decision off their ability to market and look new and exciting. There are so many bullshitters out there and you fell for the biggest one! The stuff that has been around for decades is what works, this is all fluffy marketing bullshit. The people I have learned my stuff from are the best in the world and have been around for ages, your person is a scam artist."
As you can see from this dialogue, this became about my ego, being right and all the things the client had done wrong. It was their fault and I was going to win! I had essentially told my client they were stupid, I knew better and they were doing it all wrong... well done pat...great rapport building. How open do you think my client now was to any advice I had to give them? Yeah it went nowhere and we both lost.
What Changed
Should I have had this same conversation today several things would have changed.
- I would have congratulated them for doing their own research and being proactive
- I would have asked what was hard about my plan and why they couldn't stick to it
- I would ask more about the challenges they had with their diet
- I would offer 3 options, with one actually incorporating the FAD diet but with close monitoring to be safe
- I would make it very clear that I am not there to tell them what to do, as they are the expert in their own lives and that I was there to guide them.
- I would not have tried to "win" or "be right". None of those matter. My client getting the support and guidance they need is number 1
What Experience Has Taught Me
Patience is something that definitely comes with age and experience. Many young coaches are so keen to show off how much they know and how good they are. In many ways it is like a teenager who wants to grow up quickly so they can do all the adult things. There are many important lessons that we learn in our time as a teenager that prepare us for adulthood.
The same is true in coaching, we spend time "in the trenches" facing challenges, making mistakes and learning from each one so that when we are faced with them again, we have the patience and experience to solve them.
I am certainly not perfect and will always be a work in progress, but being that little more patient has allowed me to see these challenges through my clients eyes. Today we solve them together as a team.
Have you ever had any experiences where you were trying to help someone but lost your patience? What would you do differently today? Why? I Would love to hear your stories too.
Yours in health
Patrick Fallis
PS If any of you would like to learn more about how to solve a problem that requires patience and collaboration I would highly recommend reading "Crucial Conversations" or "Motivational Interviewing". Both have been real game changers for me both personally and professionally.
If you want to learn more about nutrition, why don't you have a look at Precision Nutrition's Blog. These guys are the gold standard when it come to nutrition info.
Founder of Leaner
www.leaner-uk.com